Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
