We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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