I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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