that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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