Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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