Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
