my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
