I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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