Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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