His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
