On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ladies don't puke and tell
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
