Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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