the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
why do cheetos always look like penises
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
