it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
