I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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