we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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