I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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