between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
