Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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