My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
