if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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