i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
As shirtless as possible
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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