Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
