Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
