Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
