I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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