dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
