You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
