I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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