I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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