I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
