Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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