you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
