i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
