I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
