He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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