my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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