That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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