FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
