and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
