Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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