im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
