I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
