i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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