Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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