I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
