By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
