I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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