just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
