I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
