My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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