I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
